Posts Tagged ‘death’

The Price of saying ‘Good-bye’

September 16, 2012

So I was listening to my ipod the other day, and bugger me a track comes on that I’ve not heard for a long time .  It was the track that I was playing on ‘the long drive’ across Wyoming.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I was probably on a day or so away from dying.

I’d arrived near Laramie in the summer of 2007 after driving some 2000 miles from upstate NY and I had an ‘upset stomach’.  I figured it was food poisoning or something and drove up into the Snowies, west of Laramie.  The evening and night was all alone in a car park, with a fever, and what I would call ‘low level hallucinations’, in that when I closed my eyes I would see vivid colors that would take the shape of familiar objects and do really surreal things.

The next day I really wasn’t feeling any better, and certainly not well enough to do anything, and so I limped Westwards.  By this time I was getting worried.  If it was food poisoning, it should be getting better by now, and if anything it was getting worse.  I picked up the interstate I80 and headed West.  It was late afternoon by the time I got to Rawlins, and I was weighing in the balance if I should head to a hospital.  In the end I decided I would head onto Rock Springs and if I was not getting better by then I would go looking for medical help.  That drive turned out to be particularly tormentful, with the pain getting progressively worse and in the failing light.  To make things worse, it turned out the GPS was out of date, and inside my head there was a wail of despair that went off as the GPS announced ‘now arriving at destination (hospital) on right’, when it was clear there was no hospital here.  Thankfully Rock Springs was a fairly small place and a little further up the road I found a Hospital sign.  It was only on getting out of the car I realized something was really really wrong.  All the time I had been in the car, all I had to do was essentially set the cruise control and keep the car on the road.  On getting out of the car, I found the movement so painful that I could barely walk.

The tormentful drive across wyoming. Incidentally, a couple of years later I returned along exactly these roads to fly my plane in the snowies. It was really a very traumatic experience as i had so many painful memories of this road. Had a similar experience when I broke my wrist coming off a pedal bike. About a year later I cycled up to the same junction and was again stunned at the power of the involuntary physiological response.

The fever made my stay in the waiting room a really quite surreal experience.  While they were checking my insurance details I sat very still, and very quietly in an almost transidental calm, like I was only watching my life.  The thing that really sticks with me from that waiting room were the parents opposite me, getting progressively more frantic as they went from credit card to credit card trying to get something that would pay for their childrens treatment. It was an unpleasantly disturbing sight seen through the eyes of one whose my mind wasnt quite right and who, by now was dealing with the unconformable realization that there was something very wrong with him.

When a doctor finally took a look at me, it took him minutes to come to the conclusions ‘appendicitis’.  They took blood, and at some did some form of imaging that required a tube to be shoved up my ass and significant amounts of dye to be injected.  I was assured this would be quite painful, although to be honest at this point I was in so much pain, and in such a dazed state that I just didn’t care. Not even a little!

All this confirmed what they had suspected all along, and that they would operate in the morning (less than 12 hrs after arriving).

Now I knew the risk of death in the operation was small, and the chances of death if they did not operate were all but certain, but nonetheless, when they came to put me out for the operation, that this might be the final curtain call.  Complications as unpredictable as they are, it turned out, my appendix was actually fairly far gone and gangrenous and as a consequence my appendix scar is longer than most!

So these were the memories that came flooding back when I heard this track, and then I remembered something else.

-I had chose not to contact my parents, and the uncomfortable things I had weighted in coming to that decision.

I knew that the chances of death were small but real, and in that case, all my parents would ever know of this is that their son had died of complications in Wyoming.

-So how could I not tell them I hear you ask?

Well, I also knew the operation was something I had no control over, and nor would they.  That is that if I told them I knew they would worry terribly, my mother especially as they could do nothing other than powerless wait on the other side of the world to hear if their son was going to live or die.

… and there, as I stood waiting for a bus, listening to my ipod, it suddenly dawned on me that this was the price of saying good-bye to your loved ones.

It also prompted me down the rather uncomfortable line of thought of what sort of risk of death would you need before the balance was tipped from ‘the probability is small, and the matter is out of everyones hands, so I will spare my parents the emotional grief’ to ‘the probability is high, and even though it’s out of everyones hands, I want to talk to my loved ones for maybe the last time.  What would be the tipping point? 10 %? 30 %? 90%?

I’m curious as to your thoughts on this.  What would you have done?

-You are on the other side of the world and with a risk of death, maybe big, maybe small.  Would you spare your loved ones the anguish? Or does the necessity for the closure of talking to your loved ones, maybe for the last time win out?

Dawah’s Law

October 17, 2011

    Recently I wrote a blog post highlighting the wonderful irony of dawahfilms, the notorious moderate ‘death threating/ I hunt you down and destroy your career’ Muslim claiming that everyone should be held accountable for their youtube activity.  Ironically, this man who claims that he wants to be a future public educator is also advising people to kill themselves.

Having a mild disagreement with one of your students, suggest that they kill themselves, what public educator could do more!

The interesting point came with the first comment:

DawahFilms Says:
October 17, 2011 at 2:06 pm e

Whatever, you’re the one who got fired from a cozy job and is now homeless. You can die in a gutter for all I give a shit. Fuck you.

Modestly interested I checked the IP.  No longer in Malaysia!  Either:

1) dawahfilms has learned how to use a proxy

2) dawahfilms is now in Utah

3) it’s not dawahfilms

     The real dilemma was of course, I could not distinguish merely by the content alone which of these options was true.  The man has openly gloated about similar things which he BELIEVES to be true:

what wannabe 'islamic scholar' and future public educator Dawahfilms and the fantasies he finds funny

The man has suggested that he would rather die than call someone a ‘brother in humanity’

Disagree with Dawahfilms, no problem, he would rather die than consider you a 'brother in humanity'. You can simply feel the Islamic Love flowing from him!

and of course that they should kill themselves.

Having a mild disagreement with one of your students, suggest that they kill themselves, what public educator could do more!

    Clearly I was not alone as evidently many others could not distinguish these options.  So I propose ‘Dawahs Law’.  When an individual is such a professional jerk, that it is impossible to distinguish them from a troll pretending to be an utter jerk merely by what they say.  Dawahs Law, the professional jerks answer to the Poe!


October 11, 2011

    YES Dawahfilms, giving away my docs to people who ask is doc dropping, and you were doing this, not only to me, but to at least one other member of my family.  What’s even more pathetic is that EVEN NOW, after you have been caught, dropping my docs, you insist on trying to use weasel words to try and define your way out of this.  Not just in your latest video (thunderfoot, lies vs truth), where you state:

“none of my VIDEOS doc dropped” -Dawahfilms

but in the email you wrote to me:

 Im also pissed still at your “Dawahfilms doc dropped me” accusation, which is bullshit. You know as well as I do this info has been around for awhile. The fact that you had to pin it on me is nonsense.  -Dawahfilms

     I mean really, you expect to be this comically frugal with the truth to my face and expect me not to notice IMMEDIATELY?  All that ‘belief in god’ had addled your brain with unrealistic wishful thinking.  Y’see this is the thing, if you had any integrity, you would have been able to simply say, ‘I did not disseminate ANY of Tfoots docs, nor did I enable other to acquire them’.

     I can already hear his next set of excuses, ‘well I only sent links to the data that ‘someone else’ had hosted so it I am completely innocent’

     No dawahfilms.  Giving away my personal details to people who asked is doc dropping and you were doing it in your personal spite filled hate vendetta.  But I and you both know why you did this, because it was impossible for you to defend the stupidity of your religion on the public forum, or the violent behavior it induced in you in that you think your religion actually gives you a mandate to kill certain people.

And your threats to sue me:

I just want you to know that when I get the chance, I’ll be contacting your next place of employment if its a university, so as to protect them from your bigotry. Or, by that time, I’ll have you in court for defamation. Depends on which one is more suitable. .-Dawahfilms

these are even more unrealistic than the idea that the epileptic ramblings of some desert crazy were actually ‘Allah’ trying to communicate with the world.  If you were really serious about suing someone, it’s dead simple, you subpoena YT and the service provider for the personal details, and take it forward from there.   However this is all contingent of course on you actually having a prima facie case for getting a subpoena issued, and that’s where it really all crashes and burns, because you see DaWAHHHH, it turns out you can’t sue people for saying whats evidently true.

Da-WAAHHHHHH-films, pt 2

October 8, 2011

     So here I am at the Texas Freethought convention, where I’ve met for the first time Matt Dillahunty from the Atheist Experience, and been having a great time with folks such as Aronra (also met in person for the first time) and many others when I get email from the infamous ‘crying muslim’ (dawahfilms).  He STILL seems to be operating under the delusion that universities base their hiring and firing policies based on how much a v. whiney pussy complains about how someone explained to him that his religion made him both behave like an ass, and why his religion was evidently stupid.  The baffling thing is he seems to think that I will be intimidated by his delusions.  Again this is not terribly surprising by a man who thinks that fictitious invented punishments, like Muslim-Hell (much nastier than Christian hell! Where Allah, having boiled off someones skin, puts it back on them so he can do it again, and all while dawahfilms watches this sickeningly sadistic blood-fest for eternity, ambivalently thinking, ‘yeah that’s only fair’) will frighten me (lmao).  He might as well state that he’s trained an army of invisible mutant ninja flying monkeys to hunt me down and exterminate me from the rank smell my British Atheism emits!

‘Oh no dawah, Im sorry, Im so sorry, for highlighting the stupidity of your religion, I will never point out how stupid some of the Islamic beliefs are EVER AGAIN!’ (ROFLAMO)

It’s like dungeons and dragons of old, there was always one creature you could laugh at without fear of reprisal.  In D&D it was the kobold.  On youtube its Da-WAAAHHHHHH-films.

Dawahfilms, Islams answer to the kobold!

Dawahfilms, Islams answer to the kobold!

But not only are his threats, like the threats of his religion a joke, his religion has also made him act stupid, in that he didn’t realize that when he posts on a blog like this, he gives away his UNMASKED IP (dumbass!).  Maybe a good time for a little thoughtful reflection Dawahfilms.  Y’see as the old anonymous creed goes, ‘fair game is fair game.  But deep down I suspect they guy wants it.  This is the only thing that got him his 15 minutes of fame and modest notoriety playing the ‘poor persecuted victim’ .  Maybe he’s just striving for ‘youtube martyrdom’   ALLAH ACKBAR!